Broken beautiful bachelor, as dashing as you may be
you left and hurt the bones within my body.
Lies told and promises made.
Music and tears over you were nothing
while i sit and think for revenge.
Tunes,notes,books read happiness for you
but your pleasure is my pain.
Why did you withdraw yourself and your love?
Coward. You wrote me music yet no letters,
stay, my bitter love because none were expected.
I play and remember each word and tune
that you spoke and heard, yet this time
My voice was totally suspended with tears.
Over it, done. Evil within you has been spotted
in my blood red eyes. Silence within me
broken out. Nothing given nor expected.
Over it, done. Your dead to me.
4 comments:
good emotion, lucy. i like the description and how you can imagine Dashwood doing this as you read your poem. some of your punctuation needs to be looked at for example missed out full stops and capital letters. it would also be nice to add afyew more desciptive words, but overall a beautiful peice.
Thanks:)
I haven't put some capital letters in because I wanted enjambement, which is why some of the sentences drop down into the next verse and so forth. I will try and add more descriptive words next time.
I thought that the enjambment worked well in shaping the poem.
I'm not sure I agree with Katie about the need for more descriptive words, sometimes less is more!
There are moments, where the choice of word/epxression does not quite ring true, such as "Tunes, notes, books read happiness for you" <-- this does not sound quite right.
Perhaps an exclamation mark after "done" in the last line would be effective too.
Mr. M.
Thank you for your feedback.
I feel that the line fits in with the poem because what I was trying to get across was that she was playing music - which you can read, She had notes and again this is music - which you can read and books that you can read. I put 'read happiness for you' because whilst Dashwood read the book and played the music, her 'Bachelor' wrote them himself (again showing they are something you can read) and so Dashwood may have not felt happiness from this.
Hope this helps you understand it a bit more:)
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